Bastard

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see apsychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard.
I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'
'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your ownreasons.
Tell me about it so that I can help you.
''Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and...he held my hand...
' 'Did he hold your hand like this?''
Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'
'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard.
It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'
'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'
'Like this?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'
'It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'
'Then he kissed me...
''Like this?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'
'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. It means he adores you.
''Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...
''Like this?' 'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that' 'It's not behavior of a bastard.
It means he wants to protect you.
' 'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly..
''Did you resist?'
'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...
''Did he take off your clothes like this?''Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......
' 'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.
''Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me..
.' 'Did he do it just like what we do?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same
' 'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.' '
But then, he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming,BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!

Pregnant ?

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
" Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old is your mother?"

The little girl says,
"Forty."

The teacher says,
"Yes, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks,
"Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old is your sister?"

The little girl answers,
"Nineteen."

The teacher says,
"Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl asks,
"Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old are you?"

The little girl says,
"I'm seven years ! ! old."

The teacher says,
"No, you can't get pregnant."

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Inspiring Thoughts

1. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind .
2. You can't change the past,But you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
3. Love...and you shall be loved.
4. God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.
5. All people smile in the same language.
6. Everyone needs to be loved...Especially when they do not deserve it. *
7. The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.
8. Laughter is God's sunshine.
9. Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.*
10. It's important for parents to live the same things they teach.
11. Thank God for what you have,TRUST GOD for what you need.
12. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, You have no
today to be thankful for.
13. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks within.
14. The choice you make today, will usually affect tomorrow.
15. Take time to laugh, for it is the music of the soul .
16. Patience is the ability to idle your motor, when you feel like stripping your gears.
17. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
18. Harsh words break no bones, but they do break hearts .
19. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
20. We take for granted the things, that we should be giving thanks for.
21. Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.
22. Happiness is enhanced by others, but does not depend upon others.
23.. For every minute you are angry with someone,You lose 60 seconds of happiness that you
can never get back.
24. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.

Maths

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter,
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Hot And Cold

AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE SCHEDULED THEIR ANNUAL MEDICAL EXAMINATION ON THE SAME DAY SO THEY COULD TRAVEL TOGETHER. AFTER THE EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR THEN SAID TO THE ELDERLY MAN; "YOU APPEAR TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?" "IN FACT, I DO ", SAID THE MAN. "AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME, I AM USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY. AND THEN, AFTER HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE THE SECOND TIME, I AM USUALLY COLD AND CHILLY." "THIS IS VERY INTERESTING ", REPLIED THE DOCTOR. "LET ME DO SOME RESEARCH AND GET BACK TO YOU." AFTER EXAMINING THE ELDERLY LADY, THE DOCTOR SAID: "EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE FINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?" THE LADY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD NO QUESTIONS NOR CONCERNS. THE DOCTOR THEN ASKED; "YOUR HUSBAND HAD AN UNUSUAL CONCERN. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY AFTER HAVING SEX THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU AND THEN COLD AND CHILLY AFTER THE SECOND TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHY?" "OH THAT OLD COOT!" SHE REPLIED. "THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME IS USUALLY IN JULY AND THE SECOND TIME IS USUALLY IN DECEMBER!"

Glass Of Milk

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" "You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said ... "Then I thank you from the bottom of my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest! of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words. "Paid in full with one glass of milk" (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands." There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about? Now you have two choices. 1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message. 2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.

He tried to outwit God

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" ....he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly (bear)charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...!"
Time stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a Voice came out of the sky saying:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and Prayed: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."