GRANDPARENT'S Telephone ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning .... At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.    beeeeeppp ...

 If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

 If you need us to stay with the children, press 2 

If you want to borrow the car, press 3 

 If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4 

 If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Alway Tell The Truth In Court !!

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepare for the answer.

In a trial. a Southern small town prosecuting attonery called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to a stand. He approached her and asked,

'Mrs Jones , do you know me ?"

She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you , Mr William. I 've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brain to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do , he pointed across the room and asked,

"Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attonery ?"

She again replied.

"Why , yes , I do know Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy , bigoted, and he had a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practise is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three difference women. One of them is your wife. Yes , I know him."

The defence attonery nearly died.

The judge ask both counselors to approach the bench and , in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots ask her if she know me, I'll send you both to electric chair !!"

Pathan Joke

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

April Fool.............

Daddy, how was I born ??!!

A littel boy goes to his father and ask

"Daddy, how was I born ?"

The father answer ,

"Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in the chat room in Yahoo.

Then I set up a date vie e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where you mother agree to a download from my hard drive,

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discover that neither of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button,

nine month later a Pop-Up appeared that said :

Scoll Down
You'll love this !
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"You Got ? Male ????!!

Blessed be the smart

Better to be honest than to be dishonest in whatever circumstances. Since we have been commissioned to uphold the truth.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked . The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.



'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking t

Difference between Heaven and Hell !