JOKE COLLECTION

Alway Tell The Truth In Court !!

2009-10-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepare for the answer.

In a trial. a Southern small town prosecuting attonery called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to a stand. He approached her and asked,

'Mrs Jones , do you know me ?"

She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you , Mr William. I 've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brain to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do , he pointed across the room and asked,

"Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attonery ?"

She again replied.

"Why , yes , I do know Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy , bigoted, and he had a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practise is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three difference women. One of them is your wife. Yes , I know him."

The defence attonery nearly died.

The judge ask both counselors to approach the bench and , in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots ask her if she know me, I'll send you both to electric chair !!"

Pathan Joke

2008-11-18T05:39:00.000-08:00

80,000 Pathans meet in the Peshawar Stadium for a "Pathans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Pathans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A Pathan works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 PAthans start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the Pathan starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance-- What is 2 plus 2?"

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 pathans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

April Fool.............

2008-04-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Daddy, how was I born ??!!

2008-03-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

A littel boy goes to his father and ask

"Daddy, how was I born ?"

The father answer ,

"Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in the chat room in Yahoo.

Then I set up a date vie e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where you mother agree to a download from my hard drive,

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discover that neither of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button,

nine month later a Pop-Up appeared that said :

Scoll Down
You'll love this !
!

!
!

"You Got ? Male ????!!

Blessed be the smart

2008-03-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

Better to be honest than to be dishonest in whatever circumstances. Since we have been commissioned to uphold the truth.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked . The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking t

Difference between Heaven and Hell !

2008-02-14T07:21:00.000-08:00

Our Future !

2008-02-12T06:34:00.000-08:00

An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a new born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the
way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.

'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment 'Where's my toast?'

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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go geta beer.'

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor ..

'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Have a nice day everybody, especially the old ones. You needed glasses to read this did'nt you?

Long.....Meeting....

2008-02-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

Joke of the year

2008-01-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work .

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.

The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$1,000."

A few weeks later it happened again ,and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$5,000."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy:
"Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that again!"

THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !

Classis Joke

2008-01-23T02:46:00.000-08:00

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up .

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "

Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

" Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

" Who said he wanted to?"

Store that sell Husband

2008-01-22T07:33:00.001-08:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Report Card !

2008-01-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.......

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real happiness with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the this happiness

Dad, I'm pregnant.... and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days, is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".

Hands still trembling, and slight pain in the chest her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!

Mr Bean Line

2008-01-21T04:59:00.001-08:00

1) BRAIN TUMOR:

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

5) Marriage:

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you take anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

Mr Bean Photo

2008-01-21T04:51:00.000-08:00

Funny Picture

2008-01-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

Love,Wealth ,Success

2008-01-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

Truly great story........................ do we have love for others just like God who loved us before we loved him???

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat." "Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
"No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion:
"Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, t he lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
.

MY WISH FOR YOU...
-Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
-Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
-Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
-Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.
You have two choices right now:
1. Spread this message and
2. Invite love by sharing this story with all the people you care about.

Ingenious male toilets

2008-01-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

Tolies around the world !

Kan Pei

2008-01-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

Once there was a Chinese wedding dinner.
The dinner occupied only half the restaurant.
The other half was occupied by some American tourists.
As the wedding Chinese couples hop from table to table to toast the guests,
the cheers of " KAN PEI .. " (happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder.
One American gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him." KAN PEI ...!" " KAN .... PEI"....!!!" The cheers continued.
Finally, the irritated American couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted."IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR YOU...!"

Black ..... White

2008-01-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Say Cheese

2008-01-08T06:22:00.000-08:00

You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the church steps.

The photographer raises his camera.

Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new husband stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait.

The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky.

Not a dry eye in the house, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity....

Wedding Gown $2,500.
Photographer $2,000

Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends...

PRICELESS!!!!!

Businessman and Fisherman

2008-01-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

Here is the differences between a businessman and fisherman..............
So....u can decide...to be a businessman or to be a fisherman........,

What do you really hope to achieve in life?
Read this story and you may find that what you are always hoping to achieve,you may be already have it.

There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village. As he sat, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore and noticed that the fisherman has caught a quite number of big fishes that is known to be a delicacy.

The American was really impressed and ask the fisherman, "How long does it take you to catch so many fishes?"

The fisherman reply; "Oh, just a short while."

"Then why don't you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more? The businessman was astonished.

The fisherman simply does not agree, "This is enough to feed my whole family?" he says.

The businessman then asked: "So, what do you do for the rest of the day then?"

The fisherman reply; "Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fishes, then I would go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink, we played guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My day was ever so complete and carefree."

The businessman does not agree with his way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman.

"I am a PhD holder graduated from Harvard University, specialises in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fishes as possible. And when you have save enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fishes. As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set-up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and do direct selling to your distributors.At that time, you will have moved out of this village and to Mexico city, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York city, where you can set-up your HQ to manage all your other branches."

The fisherman asks, "So, how long would that take? "

The businessman reply: "About 15 to 20 years"

The fisherman continued, "And after that?"

The businessman laugh heartily, "After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, by then you will be rich, your income will be coming in by the millions!!"

The fisherman ask, "And after that?"

The businessman says "After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fishes, then return home to play with the kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!! "

The fisherman was puzzled, "Isn't that what I am doing now??"

So, what does one really hope to achieve in life, do we really need to work so hard in life ? What do you hope to accomplish in the end ?

6 reasons not to mess with children

2008-01-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

1.A little girl : was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl : replied, "Then you ask him".

2.A Kindergarten teacher : was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

3.A Sunday school teacher : was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy : (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

6.The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too

I 've sent you an ANGEL......

2008-01-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Heaven has sent you an Angel., You may keep her.....

Heaven didn't want her, so they sent her to me.
I don't want her so, I'm sending her to you !

Pleeeeeeease 'Keep Her'

Do the world a favour. Don't pass her on

Letter To God

2008-01-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

**************

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.

**************

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

**************

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

**************

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

**************

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

Pass Around- You will see why as you read..

2008-01-01T04:40:00.000-08:00

Breakfast at McDonald's

This is what I receive from my friend and I would like you to share it..

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology.

The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called, " Smile. "

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.

We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible " dirty body " smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was " smiling " .

His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, " Good day " as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, " Coffee is all Miss " because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.

I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, " Thank you. "

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, " I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope. "

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, " That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope. "

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers.

That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.

I turned in " my project " and the instructor read it.

Then she looked up at me and said, " Can I share this? "

I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.

She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.

In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on
the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn:
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE
PEOPLE.

There is an Angel sent to watch over you.

In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.

An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head.

To handle others, use your heart.

God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

Send it back, you'll see why !

A Box of gold
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
With a secret inside
that has never been told
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This box is priceless
but as I see
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The treasure inside is
precious to me
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Today I share this
treasure with thee
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's the treasure of
friendship you've
given me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If this comes back to you
then you'll have a friend
for life but, if this
becomes deleted, you are
not a friend.

Send this to everyone you
consider a friend!

This is a magic frog.
It will grant you one wish and only one wish,
that is, if you decide to send this to others. You can wish for anything.

Gold Wrapping Paper

2007-12-19T05:17:00.000-08:00

I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too.

I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.

The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her five year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and then said, "This is for you, Momma."

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner.

"Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"
She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life.

Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and GOD. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

You now have two choices:
1. Pass this on to your friends, or
2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice No. 1. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

If you receive this more than once in return just know that your friends have also thought of you! Tell your friend you Care

The Blonde Model

2007-12-19T05:15:00.000-08:00

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's
magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't
natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and
said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've
only been banged once."

Dominant Male huh ?

2007-12-19T05:07:00.000-08:00

Never think that God's delays are God's denials.
Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.

Men and Women on planet earth died at various places throughout the
world at a particular moment in time and go to God's abode to be judged.

The God welcomes this new batch and tries his experimental new judgement
trick and says," I want all you humans to form two queues.

One line is for the men who dominated their women,
and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go away from here so that no man and woman can talk and I can talk to men alone."

When the women were gone, the Almighty returns and there are two lines.
The line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles
long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one
solitary man.

The God about to open his third eye of anger, thunders,
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!"

"Come and tell all them henpecked, my brave son, how did you manage to
be the only one in this line?" God asked.

The nervous man replies, "I don't know sir, but my wife told me to stand
here, until this is over ."

Love Dress

2007-12-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft
music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered..

"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress." She explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, puton her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said - "What's for dinner?"

Little Johnny

2007-11-24T05:06:00.000-08:00

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think .''

HELL JOKE

2007-11-21T23:03:00.000-08:00

A Malaysian Joke!

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells

why are there so many people waiting to get in? "

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a
former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen..."

Joke Collection

2007-11-07T04:22:00.000-08:00

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend to death.Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
========= ========= ========= ==
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between Mister and Mattress
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??"Without Information, Fighting Everytime" Wife replies," No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever !!!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Three Feelings:What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Teacher: "u know the importance of period"?Kid: "Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away."
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side
.============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, "all these kids are urs?""No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives. 1st: "How urs look like?"2nd: "She is 5'7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs?" 1st: "Forget mine. Lets find urs!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Son asks difference between "in confidence" and "confidential"Dad says, "In confidence, you are my son, "Yr friend is also my son, but that's confidential!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Mother to her teenage daughter: "I think this is the right time we shouldtalk about sex."Daughter (Excitingly) : "Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know." Mother faints..

Jane and Arlene

2007-10-25T05:48:00.000-07:00

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Classic One line joke

2007-10-10T20:10:00.000-07:00

Joke 1

2007-10-10T06:07:00.000-07:00

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below. He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind." "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Two Ghost Met And Both Chat About How They Died

2007-10-09T21:45:00.001-07:00

1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.
1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.
1st ghost : You're so pityful....
2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?
1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?
1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!!

What Do You Thinkl ????

2007-10-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

Guys drink to forget about the girl...
Girls drink to think back about the guy...

When guys are in love, they become poor.
When girls are in love, they become pretty...

Guys can forget, but cannot forgive...
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget..

Guys care the most about the quantity of love...
Girls care the most about the quality of love..

Guys break-up when they feel love from another girl...
Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from her man...

Guys feel curiosity towards all girls...
Girls feel curiosity towards guys who are interested in her..

When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl...
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy...

Guys wish to be her first love....
Girls wish to be his last love...

"Women are nothing but trouble,
And Men are nothing but trouble seekers."

Breast Biting

2007-10-04T22:50:00.000-07:00

A guywalking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much...............">

Definition

2007-09-26T05:35:00.000-07:00

Nurse - A person who wake you up to give you sleeping pills !

Marriage - An agreement in which a man loese his Bachelor degree and a woman gain her
Master

Divorce - Future tense of Marriage

Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine
waterpower

Lecture - An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the
student without passing through the minds of either.

Conference - The confusion of one men multiplied by the numbers present.

Compromise - The art of dividing the cake in such a way that everybody believe he got the
biggest piece.

Dictionary - A place where success come before work

Conference Room - A place where everbody talk , nobody listen and everybody disagree later
on

Father - A Banker provide by nature

Criminal - A guy no different from the rest.....except he got caught !

Boss - Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician - On who shake your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor - A person who kill ills by pill......and kill you by bills

Classic - Books , who people praise... but do not read.

Smile - A curve that can set a lot of thing straight.

Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

Yawn - The only time some married ever get to open his mouth

Etc.. - A sign that make others beleive that you know more that you actually do

Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can
be done together.

Experience - The name men give to their mistakes

Atom Bomb - An invention that end all inventions.

Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken when dead

Talcum powder

2007-09-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

This incident happened last week on air
Yasmin Yusof, a DJ on Radio 4 asked listeners on her radio program to call to answer trivia questions.
The first caller to give the correct answer would get a prize from the sponsor.
She asked: 'Can anyone out there tell me the household name of Sodium Chloride'
A caller who is a housewife called up eager to answer the question. Not knowing the answer to the question, she asked Yasmin for a clue. 'Something you put on your husbands eggs in the morning.' she said. The lady confidently said : 'Talcum powder'.
Yasmin Yusof did not return to the air until after a few songs!

Impact on Job Change

2007-09-21T05:27:00.000-07:00

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: 'Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'.
The passenger apologized and said, 'I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.' The driver replied, 'Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years

Bastard

2007-09-06T05:50:00.000-07:00

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see apsychiatrist.
'Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard.
I feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'
'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your ownreasons.
Tell me about it so that I can help you.
''Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone... and...he held my hand...
' 'Did he hold your hand like this?''
Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'
'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard.
It means he doesn't want to be separated from you.'
'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'
'Like this?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'
'It's not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side'
'Then he kissed me...
''Like this?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'
'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard. It means he adores you.
''Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...
''Like this?' 'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that' 'It's not behavior of a bastard.
It means he wants to protect you.
' 'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly..
''Did you resist?'
'No. I let him do it, coz I love him...
''Did he take off your clothes like this?''Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......
' 'He still doesn't deserve to be called 'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.
''Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me..
.' 'Did he do it just like what we do?''Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same
' 'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.' '
But then, he told me that he has AIDS'
All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor screaming,BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRD!

Pregnant ?

2007-08-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,
" Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old is your mother?"

The little girl says,
"Forty."

The teacher says,
"Yes, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks,
"Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old is your sister?"

The little girl answers,
"Nineteen."

The teacher says,
"Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl asks,
"Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks,
"How old are you?"

The little girl says,
"I'm seven years ! ! old."

The teacher says,
"No, you can't get pregnant."

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,
"See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Inspiring Thoughts

2007-08-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

1. Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind .
2. You can't change the past,But you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
3. Love...and you shall be loved.
4. God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.
5. All people smile in the same language.
6. Everyone needs to be loved...Especially when they do not deserve it. *
7. The real measure of a man's wealth is what he has invested in eternity.
8. Laughter is God's sunshine.
9. Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.*
10. It's important for parents to live the same things they teach.
11. Thank God for what you have,TRUST GOD for what you need.
12. If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow, You have no
today to be thankful for.
13. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks within.
14. The choice you make today, will usually affect tomorrow.
15. Take time to laugh, for it is the music of the soul .
16. Patience is the ability to idle your motor, when you feel like stripping your gears.
17. Love is strengthened by working through conflicts together.
18. Harsh words break no bones, but they do break hearts .
19. To get out of a difficulty, one usually must go through it.
20. We take for granted the things, that we should be giving thanks for.
21. Love is the only thing that can be divided without being diminished.
22. Happiness is enhanced by others, but does not depend upon others.
23.. For every minute you are angry with someone,You lose 60 seconds of happiness that you
can never get back.
24. Do what you can, for who you can, with what you have, and where you are.

Maths

2007-08-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter,
I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this,
I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Hot And Cold

2007-08-22T04:44:00.000-07:00

AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE SCHEDULED THEIR ANNUAL MEDICAL EXAMINATION ON THE SAME DAY SO THEY COULD TRAVEL TOGETHER. AFTER THE EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR THEN SAID TO THE ELDERLY MAN; "YOU APPEAR TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?" "IN FACT, I DO ", SAID THE MAN. "AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME, I AM USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY. AND THEN, AFTER HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE THE SECOND TIME, I AM USUALLY COLD AND CHILLY." "THIS IS VERY INTERESTING ", REPLIED THE DOCTOR. "LET ME DO SOME RESEARCH AND GET BACK TO YOU." AFTER EXAMINING THE ELDERLY LADY, THE DOCTOR SAID: "EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE FINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?" THE LADY REPLIED THAT SHE HAD NO QUESTIONS NOR CONCERNS. THE DOCTOR THEN ASKED; "YOUR HUSBAND HAD AN UNUSUAL CONCERN. HE CLAIMS THAT HE IS USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY AFTER HAVING SEX THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU AND THEN COLD AND CHILLY AFTER THE SECOND TIME. DO YOU KNOW WHY?" "OH THAT OLD COOT!" SHE REPLIED. "THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME IS USUALLY IN JULY AND THE SECOND TIME IS USUALLY IN DECEMBER!"

Glass Of Milk

2007-07-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" "You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said ... "Then I thank you from the bottom of my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.. Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest! of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words. "Paid in full with one glass of milk" (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands." There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about? Now you have two choices. 1. You can send this page on and spread a positive message. 2. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.

He tried to outwit God

2007-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" ....he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly (bear)charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God...!"
Time stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a Voice came out of the sky saying:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and Prayed: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."

OOLONG TEA - Something to learn and appreciated

2007-07-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of Oolong tea...
You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire Soon the pots came to boil.
In the first she placed carrots,
in the second she placed eggs,
and in the last she placed Oolong tea.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and Oolong tea," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The Oolong tea was unique, however. After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the Oolong tea? The tea actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the tea, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a Oolong tea? May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life. Let share this story with all our friend. If you don't send it, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someone's day with this message! May we all be OOLONG TEA !!!!!!!!!

Thank God, It Friday, So Smile

2007-07-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom !
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will befive fewer people smiling in the world

Letter To God

2007-07-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.>We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely yours,
Edna

WHo Can Say ?

2007-07-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

I like to share this message with you. Any comment will be appreciated. Hope we can learn some value from this story
There once was very poor man living in a village who had a very fine horse. So fine, in fact, that the lord of the castle wanted to buy it. But the old man always refused.
"To me this horse is not merely an animal. He's a friend.How could I sell you my friend?"
One morning he went to the stable and found his horse gone.
All the villagers said, "We told you! You should have sold your horse. Now he's been stolen instead. What terrible luck."
"Bad luck or good luck," the old man said. "Who can say?"
Everyone laughed at him. But 15 days later the horse returned, followed by a whole herd of wild horses. He had escaped from the stable, courted a young mare, and returned with the rest ofthe herd following behind!
"What luck!" the villagers cried.
The old man and his son began training the wild horses. But a week later the man's son broke his leg trying to train one of the horses.
"Bad luck," said his friends. "What are you going to do now without your son to help you? You who are already so poor."
"Bad luck, good luck, who can say?" the old man replied.
A few days later an army belonging to the lord of the land passed through the village and forced all the young men to become soldiers. All... except the old man's son, because of his broken leg.
"How lucky you are," the villagers cried. "All our children are gone to war, but you've been able to keep your son. Our sons will probably be killed..."
The old man replied, "Bad luck, good luck... who can say?"
The future comes to us in bits and pieces. We never know what lies in store for us. But if you always maintain a positive attitude the doors of chance remain open, and you will be a happier person.
...............................................................
"Remember that happiness doesn't depend on what you are or on what you possess, but only on how you think." Dale Carnegie
"Contentment brings happiness even in poverty. Discontent brings poverty, even in wealth." Confucius

Difference between "doing different thing" and "doing thing differently"

2007-07-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

YOUNG MAN WENT FOR AN IAS INTERVIEW

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.
"The efforts began many years earlier and the final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence?"
"There were so many. Whom to mention?. If I name one it will be a injustice to another. "he replied."
"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"
"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report" he replied.
The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally ,others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him.
"At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged. Then it was the turn of this Sardar. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him. "By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, "The effort began many years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.
"What is your fathers name?" He replied,
"There were so many, whom to mention. If I name one it will be injustice to another."
The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"
He replied."Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Hotel Bill

2007-07-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired tocontinue and decide to stop for a rest.
They pull into a nice hotel and take a room, but they plan tosleep for only four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands thema bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms are certainly not worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and! wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here and you could have," explains the Manager
e goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the showsfor which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the managain. "Well, we have them and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up andagrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"he says, "this check is made out only for $50."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Confessionals

2007-07-01T06:15:00.000-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I>stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according>to you, that's the same as putting it in !"
______________________________________________________________
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?_______________________________________________________________
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"